It never ceases to amaze me how holidays get under my skin. Whether it be Christmas, Valentine's day, Arbor day, it doesn't really matter somehow I end up just wanting to crawl under a rock and wait for it to be over. So I hope it doesn't come as quite a shock when I say I am dreading my birthday.
I've done some thinking, and I'm just not ready for my teenage years to be over. So much can happen in a decade, and frankly I'm not ready to join the 'real world'. I would much rather not celebrate my birthday, and continue living my ever-so-fabulous 19 year old life. Unfortunately, the theme of my life seems to be never getting what I want. I know I'm beginning to give off the spoiled brat persona, but the truth is that I am thankful for everything opportunity I have been given. I will be the first to admit that I live a very charmed life, and I am very lucky to have the life that I live.
That being said I don't find happiness in the material things that I have been given. Every Christmas I get wonderful presents, but I would trade it all for a day without any presents just 'being' with my family. I put the being in quotes because I want to stress that it would be just that. I know I give the vibe that I can be very difficult, but the truth is that for me to truly be happy just takes the people around me just being happy themselves. I loathe the requirements that seem to plague the holidays. I wish people would take me seriously when I say "I don't want any presents!" Whether it be for my birthday or Christmas, I would just much rather people give me the gift of being able to be how I want.
I think that concept is difficult for people to grasp. It sounds completely selfish; I just want to be able to do what I want for that day. But in reality it means the world to me to be able to do so. I hate the planning and month's worth of effort that goes into planning these occasions. I can't tell you how many birthdays, Christmases, or other holidays that I can remember being miserable. For one reason or another something makes those days complete unbearable.
While my whole hermit approach hasn't been supported much anyone, I still attempt to just be on these days. This year I thought that I had devised the perfect plan. I will be going to St. Louis the weekend of my birthday. It would be perfect. I would get to see my friends (the five) that I haven't seen in since November. The best part would be that everyone would be celebrating Mardi Gras that weekend so it would be almost as we just by-passed over my birthday. It would be like the day never happened. But like all plans that are made regarding the holidays something was bound to go wrong, I just hadn't anticipated it would be so soon. A college friend of mine recently told me how she felt like she was being punished because I wasn't going to be celebrating my birthday here.
For the record, I told everyone that there was "no way in hell I would be staying in Columbia for my birthday," after the tragedy of last year.
I seriously meant that. There is really no need to go into the details, but for background knowledge I will say that my 19th birthday was not a happy time. It involved several of my friends getting completely intoxicated leaving me to take care of them. Eventually I got so fed up with them that I went to Sara's dorm to escape the madness while they continued galavanting around Greek Town. Everyone was so hungover the next day that no one wanted to go out and celebrate my actual birthday, which was alright with me because I didn't exactly want to see any of them let alone talk to them. I gave them the silent treatment for a good 6 hours before I had my first breakdown at school and bawled my eyes out.
It only cemented the inevitable in my brain: I absolutely, positively, hate the holidays.
They bring up so many emotions that are too painful for me to imagine. I believe that these feelings of animosity began with the death of my grandpa. He died just 22 days after my tenth birthday, but my parents could see how much it upset me to visit him in the hospital that they didn't force me to go. I think the last time I saw him was Christmas. Every holiday after that was overshadowed by the fact that he would never be there to experience my life with me. I try never to dwell on the past, but it hard not to when the past leaves scars on your heart. You can't simply hit the delete button and erase all the memories you had with that person; just like you help but notice what you can never physically share another moment with that person.
I can't be certain, but I think those looming thoughts put me on edge around the holidays. I think it makes every little thing that goes wrong seem like the sky is falling. After every special occasion seemed to go from bad to worse I started believing in the curse. I'm sure you've heard the saying if you believe it, it will happen. Well my life seemed to be just that. "Fun-filled" holidays turned in battle fields. I would pick fights with just about anyone without it registering that I caused them.
It seemed like things were starting to turn around for a while, but then my family experienced another painful death in the family. My grandma died my junior year of high school, unlike my grandpa I had grown very close to my grandma. Out of all my grandparents, she was the one I was closest with. Losing her only 10 days before Christmas makes it very hard for me to cheerful around that time of year. Unlike my grandfather, I think of her pretty much every other week. I constantly find myself wondering if she would be proud of who I am today, and I find myself thinking if I would be different if she were still here today.
It's these very thoughts that many people try to avoid, or never admit to, but I constantly think about. Perhaps this is why it so hard for people to understand my feelings, not just about holidays, but even in life. It is so easy for me to throw myself into something reckless and to write it off as living with no regrets. If I could live in one spontaneous moment to the next I would be in nirvana. When it comes to planning my life sometimes I feel like I'm in hell. You never know what the next day will bring so why plan ahead. I believe that if you live in the moment you really feel everything, and that by doing what you want will ultimately lead to a happy life. What I'm saying obviously does not hold true to everyone, but it's how I hope to live my life. I don't want to come off as selfish, but at the end of the day all you will ever completely have is you. Life changes in a heart beat, and it is too short to go around trying to please people.
This brings me to the point of this blog. On my birthday, whether or not I choose to acknowledge or celebrate it, I can do whatever I want. This is my day. I am allowed to be selfish, and should not have to take crap from anyone. This means I will do what I want. And what I want to do is go to STL, and forget my birthday ever happened. If this idea seems radical and selfish, well it's my day not yours.
Love, bear
P.S. If you by chance are reading this you can regard this post as permission to ignore me on my birthday. You can also take this as a sign that I do NOT want presents, or anything else birthday related. So don't stress yourself out. The greatest gift anyone can give me is the gift of nothing.
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