I'm twenty!

I still don't know how I feel about that fact. I've entered the third decade of my life. I officially feel old.

I remember when I was young and I never thought I would make it high school, and now I'm almost half way finished with college.

And 20 years old.

I think I'm going to start denying my real age now. It's normal to lie about your age once you hit thirty, but no one believes you then so maybe its better to start the lie early. One thing I will say about my second 19th birthday is that it was fabulous.

"Are you getting your drinks the same way you're getting your beads" - Pete
Kibby - "I sure hope not!"

I spent it with all my singles ladies (Katie, Margaret, and Annmarie) at Saint Louis University (SLU). But this wasn't any ordinary weekend visit. It was Mardi Gras. This made the time so much better. Most people hate having their birthdays overshadowed by big events. I on the other hand welcome large celebrations. Everyone is happy, and there is not mention of me adding another adding another year to my life.

It was a great time. We galavanted around town stealing beads from unsuspecting victims. The girls and I were even lucky enough to snag us some cute sEXy hats from Sigma Chi. The weekend was some what of a blur. There was a huge parade and countless hours of dancing at Lacledes.

Sorry for such a bad post. It's been a while, and I had to update.

Love, bear

P.S. For the record my friends and I are classy ladies, and never had to flash anyone for our beads. We simply said we wanted them, and got them ;)

P.P.S. All my single ladies... Put your hands up!

Time is ticking

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. There are only 5 short days until I turn 20. And I've just begun to realize how limited my teenage days are. After two decades of life I would say that I have accomplished a lot, but as I keep getting older is it possible to keep going at this rate. I don't think it is necessary to list everything I've done, but it makes we wonder about everything I still have left to do. My friend Kenzie had the great idea of blogging about every monumental moment that happens in your 20s. It would include things like getting married, having children, turning 21, getting your first real job, graduating for college. The whole idea seems very cool, and it only makes me more excited to go out and live my life.

But sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a standstill, just waiting for life to begin. Thankfully I have some of the best friends to past the time with. One thing I'm really excited to be doing now is training Ashley to run a 5k. We started last night, and we looked pretty ridiculous doing all the form work. But it gave both of us a good laugh, and it feels really good knowing that I'm helping her achieve a goal. It also reminds me of this time last year.

I was training for my half marathon. It felt great to have something to strive for, and I also catch myself remembering how good it felt to run. I've been contemplating running another half marathon, but I keep stopping myself. I can still feel the pain sinking into my legs. I remember the burn in my lungs. The thoughts of all the good and bad plague my thoughts, and sadly it's the bad that is keeping me for committing. That's not good, considering I want to run a full marathon some day. Perhaps I will find the confidence, strength, and will to run it again. However for right now I'm not in the shape to run more than five or six miles. Maybe this is just the kick I need to get started, for the half anyway.

I am very excited to run the 5k that Ashley choose. It's called the Color Run. Check out the video. It's pretty cool.

Love, bear

Shout out to Mackenzie Bruce

She is taking J2150, a class I took last semester and finished her first assignment. Seeing Red photos. And because they look so cool, and I am a vain person I want to share them with the world. The Purpose of these pictures was to capture the color red. She used Sarosh and me as models, and I love the idea she took on the assignment. It was a fun experience too.
Love, bear

From D-day to B-day

It never ceases to amaze me how holidays get under my skin. Whether it be Christmas, Valentine's day, Arbor day, it doesn't really matter somehow I end up just wanting to crawl under a rock and wait for it to be over. So I hope it doesn't come as quite a shock when I say I am dreading my birthday.

I've done some thinking, and I'm just not ready for my teenage years to be over. So much can happen in a decade, and frankly I'm not ready to join the 'real world'. I would much rather not celebrate my birthday, and continue living my ever-so-fabulous 19 year old life. Unfortunately, the theme of my life seems to be never getting what I want. I know I'm beginning to give off the spoiled brat persona, but the truth is that I am thankful for everything opportunity I have been given. I will be the first to admit that I live a very charmed life, and I am very lucky to have the life that I live.

That being said I don't find happiness in the material things that I have been given. Every Christmas I get wonderful presents, but I would trade it all for a day without any presents just 'being' with my family. I put the being in quotes because I want to stress that it would be just that. I know I give the vibe that I can be very difficult, but the truth is that for me to truly be happy just takes the people around me just being happy themselves. I loathe the requirements that seem to plague the holidays. I wish people would take me seriously when I say "I don't want any presents!" Whether it be for my birthday or Christmas, I would just much rather people give me the gift of being able to be how I want.

I think that concept is difficult for people to grasp. It sounds completely selfish; I just want to be able to do what I want for that day. But in reality it means the world to me to be able to do so. I hate the planning and month's worth of effort that goes into planning these occasions. I can't tell you how many birthdays, Christmases, or other holidays that I can remember being miserable. For one reason or another  something makes those days complete unbearable.

While my whole hermit approach hasn't been supported much anyone, I still attempt to just be on these days. This year I thought that I had devised the perfect plan. I will be going to St. Louis the weekend of my birthday. It would be perfect. I would get to see my friends (the five) that I haven't seen in since November. The best part would be that everyone would be celebrating Mardi Gras that weekend so it would be almost as we just by-passed over my birthday. It would be like the day never happened. But like all plans that are made regarding the holidays something was bound to go wrong, I just hadn't anticipated it would be so soon. A college friend of mine recently told me how she felt like she was being punished because I wasn't going to be celebrating my birthday here.

For the record, I told everyone that there was "no way in hell I would be staying in Columbia for my birthday," after the tragedy of last year.

I seriously meant that. There is really no need to go into the details, but for background knowledge I will say that my 19th birthday was not a happy time. It involved several of my friends getting completely intoxicated leaving me to take care of them. Eventually I got so fed up with them that I went to Sara's dorm to escape the madness while they continued galavanting around Greek Town. Everyone was so hungover the next day that no one wanted to go out and celebrate my actual birthday, which was alright with me because I didn't exactly want to see any of them let alone talk to them. I gave them the silent treatment for a good 6 hours before I had my first breakdown at school and bawled my eyes out.

It only cemented the inevitable in my brain: I absolutely, positively, hate the holidays.

They bring up so many emotions that are too painful for me to imagine. I believe that these feelings of animosity began with the death of my grandpa. He died just 22 days after my tenth birthday, but my parents could see how much it upset me to visit him in the hospital that they didn't force me to go. I think the last time I saw him was Christmas. Every holiday after that was overshadowed by the fact that he would never be there to experience my life with me. I try never to dwell on the past, but it hard not to when the past leaves scars on your heart. You can't simply hit the delete button and erase all the memories you had with that person; just like you help but notice what you can never physically share another moment with that person.

I can't be certain, but I think those looming thoughts put me on edge around the holidays. I think it makes every little thing that goes wrong seem like the sky is falling. After every special occasion seemed to go from bad to worse I started believing in the curse. I'm sure you've heard the saying if you believe it, it will happen. Well my life seemed to be just that. "Fun-filled" holidays turned in battle fields. I would pick fights with just about anyone without it registering that I caused them.

It seemed like things were starting to turn around for a while, but then my family experienced another painful death in the family. My grandma died my junior year of high school, unlike my grandpa I had grown very close to my grandma. Out of all my grandparents, she was the one I was closest with. Losing her only 10 days before Christmas makes it very hard for me to cheerful around that time of year. Unlike my grandfather, I think of her pretty much every other week. I constantly find myself wondering if she would be proud of who I am today, and I find myself thinking if I would be different if she were still here today.

It's these very thoughts that many people try to avoid, or never admit to, but I constantly think about. Perhaps this is why it so hard for people to understand my feelings, not just about holidays, but even in life. It is so easy for me to throw myself into something reckless and to write it off as living with no regrets. If I could live in one spontaneous moment to the next I would be in nirvana. When it comes to planning my life sometimes I feel like I'm in hell. You never know what the next day will bring so why plan ahead. I believe that if you live in the moment you really feel everything, and that by doing what you want will ultimately lead to a happy life. What I'm saying obviously does not hold true to everyone, but it's how I hope to live my life. I don't want to come off as selfish, but at the end of the day all you will ever completely have is you. Life changes in a heart beat, and it is too short to go around trying to please people.

This brings me to the point of this blog. On my birthday, whether or not I choose to acknowledge or celebrate it, I can do whatever I want. This is my day. I am allowed to be selfish, and should not have to take crap from anyone. This means I will do what I want. And what I want to do is go to STL, and forget my birthday ever happened. If this idea seems radical and selfish, well it's my day not yours.

Love, bear

P.S. If you by chance are reading this you can regard this post as permission to ignore me on my birthday. You can also take this as a sign that I do NOT want presents, or anything else birthday related. So don't stress yourself out. The greatest gift anyone can give me is the gift of nothing.

D - day

I am not a festive person. There are very few holidays that I enjoy, and of that list I still dread celebrating them. If you thought I hated Christmas you haven't seen me around Valentines day, or as my friends and I cleverly renamed it D-day.

I cringe at the thought of couples having another excuse to show their public displays of affection. Why is this day so commercialized anyway. One shouldn't wait for a day to show their love. If you ask me the whole holiday is a scam created by Hallmark to make a profit.

That might sound cynical, but what do you expect from a girl who has never celebrated Valentine's day with a boyfriend. That's right I have pretty much been single for the last 19 years. After all I've never had any serious boyfriends. Usually my perpetually single lifestyle doesn't bother me, but every year like clock work, only four days before my birthday I have all my single girl swag crushed by the pink and red aisle in Target.

Thankfully this year my single friends and I have devised a plan. It involves staying in eating our weight in candy and watching violent slasher movies. Festive I know. The only thing I hope now is that I don't work. Nothing screams single loser like working at Chipotle on V-day.

Love, bear